Ok, get ready for a long post.
Last night my wife started a blog. I had told her to start writing down her thoughts and feelings about this area that I was trying to figure out. She did, and I read it (she knew I read it, it's not a secret blog or anything). After reading it, I under why she would feel the way she does the way she's talking. The blog really feels like I am almost this husband that is doing this to his wife and not trying to consider her feelings at all. I read this and of course feel more like an ass than ever. I go in the bedroom and we talk about it. We talked for like about 2 hour or something like that. Pretty much, she said she's afraid of where this would go.
I tried to have her explain what she ment. She said that if I become a woman then this isn't going to work. So I said "What are you ok with this? Where is the line drawn." She says, "I want you to stay a male, dress as a man and act as a man." Me: "So in other words, you don't want me to think about what I'm thinking about now, be confused about this stuff and not try and figure it out. You just want me to stop all of that just like that." Pretty much that was what she was saying.
I'm trying to understand where she's coming from, but I know I have to figure and find out for myself what these thoughts and feelings our. She said that I need to figure this out and then let her know where things are going with me and then she can give me a "she's ok with that" or a "I can't live with that".
Needless to say, there was much waterworks from her. Very understandable. Her husband she just married is not sure of his gender identity and partly his sexuality.
But at the same time, she knew all about this. Way before we were married. I had told her several years back about my curiosity toward men and also my strong draw toward female side. Even at one point in time (even though I probably didn't spend enough time thinking about it) I had told her that I wanted/needed to transition into a woman. Yeah, that about just killed her.
I have always tried to be open with her about things. I have even told her about the 2 times I have meet with guys in person. I told her nothing happened (and yes that is true, nothing did happen). Mainly I was too scared to do anything and of course the guilt was very heavy to what the consequences would be with our relationship.
She stated in our conversation last night that she thought this feelings would just "go away" and "resolve themselve". Yeah, I never told her that they were and we would still have conversations about these things. We watch movies and shows with transgender themes in them. I talk about fashion choices of girls and women out in public, and no it's not like "wow that chick is hot" it's more like "those are super sexy heels" or "that girl should not be wearing that kind of top or pants." I never compare her to others. First, that is rude and disrespectful and second, I like to point out things, I am an observer.
So yeah, alot of stuff said. Pretty much I told her an analogy would be like a car you always thought you wanted. You want it for years. Never test driving it, never touching it, just maybe seeing pictures of it. Then one day you buy it, but still never test driving it or sitting in it. I told her that's how I feel she's doing in this situation. I don't have an opportunity to try out things to see if it's "this isn't me" or "this is me and I need to understand this more". I can't keep locking this away and pushing it back. Sometimes when these talks come up, it's like I might have taken 2-3 steps toward understanding this and then take 10+ steps back if not right back to the starting line.
Well, others of you might have been in these situations before, maybe some of you and can advise me on what I can do. I don't want to push her away and just focus on myself and no one else, but what can I do.
Please if anyone can tell me something that would be wonderful.
What's next..... who knows.