Thursday, June 3, 2010

Crazy dream....what does it mean?

Here is the dream.

So I was somewhere like at an event or something, and I was still married, but wife was somewhere else or out of town or something. I run into an older lady, maybe in early 40's or 50's. we start talking and having a good conversation and suddenly someone spills something on my pants. The lady tells me to go to her room to take care of it and says there are some things up there I could probably use to change into until we clean the clothes up. So i go upstairs and look around, there's no clothes i could use that would really work, but I do see she has done some laundry and for some reason I had to take off my pants and undies because they are soaked in something that needs some deep cleaning. So I take my pants and undies off and put on some of her panties and nothing else. My shirt is pretty long so it covers me and since it was a small group we were in, I figured they would understand and no one would be able to see the panties. So I return downstairs and sit with her and we continue our conversation. We are joking around and she every once in a while puts her hand on my leg, not to long, but I still notice it, but don't think to much of it. Then without warning, she starts rubbing me over the panties and does that while just smiling and pretending that everything is just fine. I start to freak a little but keep it under control. She just whispers "I understand and know what you want and I can help you." I try to resist, but she keeps going back to rubbing me over the panties. Pretty soon I start to feel I should just give in and do what she wants. And wouldn't you know it that's when I woke up.....I hate when that happens in the middle of a dream.

So I wanting to know if anyone understands my dream here and might explain it back to me. Please let me know, would love to hear from anyone.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Updates, updates and more updates

Well where to begin.

First, after my last post back in Sept, I was told by the company I worked for, it was being sold and my whole department was being laid off. At the end of Nov. was my last day there (right before Thanksgiving). So right now I am unemployed and looking for work. So I'm in the same boat as a lot of people are.

About this time I also had to stop seeing my therapist. Main reason was money. If I had the money and not worry about it, I would be going at least one time a week. She was great, listened and helped things move along.

Also about a month ago, we had a bad ice storm. I was exiting the highway with my wife and the car spun and hit the guard rail and then spun around and the back end hit as well. We found a car and got it. We just finished up all the process this last weekend.

And lastly we just moved about 2 weeks ago. Getting everything in place and stored away. Purging crap we don't need. Sometimes I just wish to throw everything away. Also while moving, wife and I had a huge fight and...yeah....I walked out and she came after me and we cried together.....yeah fun I know.

So that's kind of all the "normal" stuff that has gone on over the last several months. Now on to the other things.

Well I still haven't done anything with a guy. I just feel guilty whenever I think about those kinds of things, but I do think about it. I sometimes dress from time to time, but of course it's hard to do that when wife is around.

Recently, I was doing some anal play with a suction cup dildo. I ended up with it on the top of the toilet seat lid and I was riding it backwards. While do this I was grinding on it, not up and down. This felt great. I kept going and going and I finally ended with me cumming without me touching myself. It was hot.

The only problem I've had recently is I get headaches while doing anything sexual (masturbating and/or sex). It doesn't happen all the time, but unless it goes away soon, I will be asking my doctor about that. Might be that I need to be more active and eat better. So anyone have any ideas on that, please let me know.

So that's about it. That's the craziness of it all.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

oh me oh :)

So tonight we went on what we call a "field trip". My wife and I went to our local sex store and looked around. Looked at shoes, lingerie and then toys. The toys we picked up were a pink vib (a few steps from the cheap crap, but not breaking the bank) and also a doc johnson 6-7 "dong" (that was me picking that up). We picked up some lub and later batteries. I'm hoping to get to have my wife and I used the toys on each other but most of all use it on myself.

There was a blog I've read through (which I wish he would update so badly) but he did an experiment where he would not touch/play with his cock to get sexual pleasure and only got sexual pleasure from anal play. Here is that blog: Temporary Sex Change

I believe I am going to try to do that (of course this would be when I'm by myself). I hear that you can have a extremely pleasurable orgasm anally yet not have the same feeling drain as the much harder penile orgasm. I'll be taking it slow as to ease into this and learn to receive pleasure from it.

Anyone knows of good toys, training, advise/tips, please let me know. I hope to have some really great orgasms doing this, let's see how it goes.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Keeps getting worse

All it seems like now is the we are arguing about me. About my gender identity and my sexuality. Tonight is another talk, about the same as the one before. She is upset because she said "well if your attracted to anyone that a different sex than myself, then it's not right. It should be me and that's it." She's saying that because she might not have certain "parts" that other people I find attractive, then she will never be enough. I again stated, that even if I'm attracted to those other kinds of people, I choose to be with her, not them.

I just don't know....4 months of married.....yeah....

Saturday, August 29, 2009

A talk.....first one of many

Ok, get ready for a long post.

Last night my wife started a blog. I had told her to start writing down her thoughts and feelings about this area that I was trying to figure out. She did, and I read it (she knew I read it, it's not a secret blog or anything). After reading it, I under why she would feel the way she does the way she's talking. The blog really feels like I am almost this husband that is doing this to his wife and not trying to consider her feelings at all. I read this and of course feel more like an ass than ever. I go in the bedroom and we talk about it. We talked for like about 2 hour or something like that. Pretty much, she said she's afraid of where this would go.

I tried to have her explain what she ment. She said that if I become a woman then this isn't going to work. So I said "What are you ok with this? Where is the line drawn." She says, "I want you to stay a male, dress as a man and act as a man." Me: "So in other words, you don't want me to think about what I'm thinking about now, be confused about this stuff and not try and figure it out. You just want me to stop all of that just like that." Pretty much that was what she was saying.

I'm trying to understand where she's coming from, but I know I have to figure and find out for myself what these thoughts and feelings our. She said that I need to figure this out and then let her know where things are going with me and then she can give me a "she's ok with that" or a "I can't live with that".

Needless to say, there was much waterworks from her. Very understandable. Her husband she just married is not sure of his gender identity and partly his sexuality.

But at the same time, she knew all about this. Way before we were married. I had told her several years back about my curiosity toward men and also my strong draw toward female side. Even at one point in time (even though I probably didn't spend enough time thinking about it) I had told her that I wanted/needed to transition into a woman. Yeah, that about just killed her.

I have always tried to be open with her about things. I have even told her about the 2 times I have meet with guys in person. I told her nothing happened (and yes that is true, nothing did happen). Mainly I was too scared to do anything and of course the guilt was very heavy to what the consequences would be with our relationship.

She stated in our conversation last night that she thought this feelings would just "go away" and "resolve themselve". Yeah, I never told her that they were and we would still have conversations about these things. We watch movies and shows with transgender themes in them. I talk about fashion choices of girls and women out in public, and no it's not like "wow that chick is hot" it's more like "those are super sexy heels" or "that girl should not be wearing that kind of top or pants." I never compare her to others. First, that is rude and disrespectful and second, I like to point out things, I am an observer.

So yeah, alot of stuff said. Pretty much I told her an analogy would be like a car you always thought you wanted. You want it for years. Never test driving it, never touching it, just maybe seeing pictures of it. Then one day you buy it, but still never test driving it or sitting in it. I told her that's how I feel she's doing in this situation. I don't have an opportunity to try out things to see if it's "this isn't me" or "this is me and I need to understand this more". I can't keep locking this away and pushing it back. Sometimes when these talks come up, it's like I might have taken 2-3 steps toward understanding this and then take 10+ steps back if not right back to the starting line.

Well, others of you might have been in these situations before, maybe some of you and can advise me on what I can do. I don't want to push her away and just focus on myself and no one else, but what can I do.

Please if anyone can tell me something that would be wonderful.

What's next..... who knows.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Mini mini achievement

Well I finally did something outside my comfort box. Even though I would say it was pretty small, I at least did something. I wore panties today to work. Of course this was under my work clothes (really those clothes are a button shirt and jean shorts). They were cotton fruit of the loom multi-color strip panties. Personally I would have liked some soft silky ones, but these are ones I bought, myself. Not ones from my mother or wife or something like that. I was pretty proud of myself. It was a baby step toward finding more out about myself.

Also, each time I went to the restroom, I made myself sit to pee. I figure I should do that to see how if feels to sit each time I have to pee, just like a woman. I think that part I will have an opinion over time, not a one day thing for me to draw a conclusion on.

I'm working on my food intake to get my body into a more female shape. That will probably be my biggest work there.

I have been reading several blogs and girls on youtube about transitioning and such. I'm going to post their sites and stuff that I think is very helpful.

Let's see what happens next.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Side note

This was just to funny not to post. A lot of people at work play WOW so this really made me laugh.