Saturday, August 29, 2009

A talk.....first one of many

Ok, get ready for a long post.

Last night my wife started a blog. I had told her to start writing down her thoughts and feelings about this area that I was trying to figure out. She did, and I read it (she knew I read it, it's not a secret blog or anything). After reading it, I under why she would feel the way she does the way she's talking. The blog really feels like I am almost this husband that is doing this to his wife and not trying to consider her feelings at all. I read this and of course feel more like an ass than ever. I go in the bedroom and we talk about it. We talked for like about 2 hour or something like that. Pretty much, she said she's afraid of where this would go.

I tried to have her explain what she ment. She said that if I become a woman then this isn't going to work. So I said "What are you ok with this? Where is the line drawn." She says, "I want you to stay a male, dress as a man and act as a man." Me: "So in other words, you don't want me to think about what I'm thinking about now, be confused about this stuff and not try and figure it out. You just want me to stop all of that just like that." Pretty much that was what she was saying.

I'm trying to understand where she's coming from, but I know I have to figure and find out for myself what these thoughts and feelings our. She said that I need to figure this out and then let her know where things are going with me and then she can give me a "she's ok with that" or a "I can't live with that".

Needless to say, there was much waterworks from her. Very understandable. Her husband she just married is not sure of his gender identity and partly his sexuality.

But at the same time, she knew all about this. Way before we were married. I had told her several years back about my curiosity toward men and also my strong draw toward female side. Even at one point in time (even though I probably didn't spend enough time thinking about it) I had told her that I wanted/needed to transition into a woman. Yeah, that about just killed her.

I have always tried to be open with her about things. I have even told her about the 2 times I have meet with guys in person. I told her nothing happened (and yes that is true, nothing did happen). Mainly I was too scared to do anything and of course the guilt was very heavy to what the consequences would be with our relationship.

She stated in our conversation last night that she thought this feelings would just "go away" and "resolve themselve". Yeah, I never told her that they were and we would still have conversations about these things. We watch movies and shows with transgender themes in them. I talk about fashion choices of girls and women out in public, and no it's not like "wow that chick is hot" it's more like "those are super sexy heels" or "that girl should not be wearing that kind of top or pants." I never compare her to others. First, that is rude and disrespectful and second, I like to point out things, I am an observer.

So yeah, alot of stuff said. Pretty much I told her an analogy would be like a car you always thought you wanted. You want it for years. Never test driving it, never touching it, just maybe seeing pictures of it. Then one day you buy it, but still never test driving it or sitting in it. I told her that's how I feel she's doing in this situation. I don't have an opportunity to try out things to see if it's "this isn't me" or "this is me and I need to understand this more". I can't keep locking this away and pushing it back. Sometimes when these talks come up, it's like I might have taken 2-3 steps toward understanding this and then take 10+ steps back if not right back to the starting line.

Well, others of you might have been in these situations before, maybe some of you and can advise me on what I can do. I don't want to push her away and just focus on myself and no one else, but what can I do.

Please if anyone can tell me something that would be wonderful.

What's next..... who knows.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Mini mini achievement

Well I finally did something outside my comfort box. Even though I would say it was pretty small, I at least did something. I wore panties today to work. Of course this was under my work clothes (really those clothes are a button shirt and jean shorts). They were cotton fruit of the loom multi-color strip panties. Personally I would have liked some soft silky ones, but these are ones I bought, myself. Not ones from my mother or wife or something like that. I was pretty proud of myself. It was a baby step toward finding more out about myself.

Also, each time I went to the restroom, I made myself sit to pee. I figure I should do that to see how if feels to sit each time I have to pee, just like a woman. I think that part I will have an opinion over time, not a one day thing for me to draw a conclusion on.

I'm working on my food intake to get my body into a more female shape. That will probably be my biggest work there.

I have been reading several blogs and girls on youtube about transitioning and such. I'm going to post their sites and stuff that I think is very helpful.

Let's see what happens next.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Side note

This was just to funny not to post. A lot of people at work play WOW so this really made me laugh.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Be like her

Today while eating out with my mother and wife, I noticed a lady (19-25 yrs. old) sitting with a group of people, most likely friends. Everyone was dressed very casual, but she was a little more dressed up. Her hair was shoulder length golden bloude, smooth straight. Had a floral pattern dress that was went just past her knees.(floral pattern doesn't do it justice, it was a very tasteful dress)Over that she had on a short waist length brown jacket. Moving down she had her legs cross, which you could tell were very smooth even from a distance. She had on light moca brown heels. Her face, had make up on, just enough to make her face pop. Her lips and eyes just stood out.

Carefully staring, she was very attractive but more I wanted to look like her, I wanted to be like her. I wanted Stacey to become her.

Friday, August 21, 2009

My Bra size....I think

So I was curious of what my bra size would be. I went out and got one of those sewing flexible tape measures. I looked on a few sites and followed what they said to do. I got 2 different sizes, so maybe someone could clarify which one might be right. Now mind you, I'm not the thinnest in the world (working on that, but being realistic). Here those are:

The measurement under the armpit but above the middle of the bust line and then also the middle bust line said, 50B

The measurement under the middle bust line and then the middle bust line said, 46 or 47c

Mind you I have not taken any hormones or creams or anything else that would increase my breast (at least not that I know of).

Also today, I was trying on some clothes my wife had in the back of the closet. The sizes were 16,17 and 18. To my surprise, some of them fit. I noticed that some I would either need to not wear panties or wear a thong. So I may try to wear some of those around when I am home alone.

I have been trying to keep up with my nails. Two more need to regrow a bit more and then I can trim and file them and then they are good.

If anyone has any ideas or knows which way to measure for sure, let me know.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Bad Girl (not that way)

So I was a little bad today. While visiting my mother's house, I noticed she had a JCPenny's catalog out in her vanity area. After thinking about it a while I decide to take it. This one is the spring/summer one. She already has the new one of fall/winter. Hmmmm, what to do, what to do.....

Monday, August 17, 2009

True me ?

Lately, I have been doing more things. More "fem" things. I have been pluking the hairs around my breast. Putting lotion on them and (to my surprise), they do feel like breast. Now mind you, I wouldn't say they are prefect or (if I go there) where I would like them to be. I also have used Nair under my arms. I may start to shave or wax there (but haven't come to that road yet).

I've been thinking alot about this part of me, trying to figure it all out, for my sake and my marriage sake. A few days back, I posted a question about how I know which are my true feelings. One response stated this "They're inseparable. It's just the guilt that makes you want to de-drag. We're girls. Forever. The guilt is just a slowdown." This really got me thinking. Who am I? What do I want? What do I feel?

I think my true feelings lay with how I think and feel when I'm by myself, out and about, without anyone I really know. How I interact with myself. Not saying that ALL of me, but a large part. Last Friday after work, I just stayed out a little bit. I got a Chi Tea drink and then went to a book place and got a few "female" magazines. Self, Women's Health and Ladies Home Journal. I was barely nervous, if at all. This caught me off guide a little. Maybe it was that the guilt feeling wasn't there or that someone I know wouldn't see me getting that and then ask questions. I don't fully know, but it was nice. I notice my stance seems to be more fem and gentle and same with my hand gestures. These were just some things I noticed about myself during that time.

Continuing to think who I am, I thinking more that I wouldn't call myself a "Sissy boy/girl" or "Slave boy/girl" but maybe think or myself of more a male with a lot of female traits or even a female inside a male body. My thoughts lean toward a female thinking a lot of the times. Also I recently took a test with my therapist and turns out I am more introverted. The category I fall under is ISFJ (Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging). After talking about this, it sounds like this also leans toward that side of female mind set.

Now all of this, I have to take with a grain of salt. I can't make full conclusions just on a few things. What this does is give me a starting point and maybe a little insight into somethings.

I know it sounds like I've asked the same questions over and over through out my post, but each time I feel they are a little different and I understand this and myself a little more.

As always, thanks for reading. Please feel free to comment.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

True Feelings?

So here's a question to all you out there. Which are your true feelings, what you think and feel before you climax or the feeling afterwards? I am confused at which is my feeling self feelings. Anyone have some advise, please let us know.

Monday, August 10, 2009

So last night went to a show last night. "The Sound of Music". Good show. There was at one point that one of the actresses came on stage in a black suit with pencil skirt and bright, shiny red 3-4" high heels. They were so good looking that during that part, I really didn't pay attention during that part. I tried to find a picture of something close to them, but none really did them justice.

Still recovering from my nail mess up. While filing the tops of my nails again, my wife began to question why I was doing so much filing. I said because I wanted to.

I don't know what to say. I want to do this, but of course she do not wish me to. So....yeah.

Friday, August 7, 2009

I like the look of all these girls and also love what they are wearing. I also included Tina Fey. I think she is super funny and sexy.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Good talk

I started going to therapy today. Last week I had to reschedule due to an issue I had to take care of. Anyways, I have to say I think it went very well. The therapist asked several questions about different things in my life and how I felt. I responded to them and gave her more information about why I was there. She did reply with several follow up ideas and questions that I had not thought of before.

Here are some of those questions:

What are your girls side traits, feelings and wants?

When you fantasize, who are you? Are you a woman, man, fem man, girl with penis?

Truely, how far do you want to change if you decide that is what needs to be done?

There were several others but those are the main ones that stuck in my head.

We meet again next week were we will continue on with these questions and try to understand my mind and confusion.

As when I started this blog, will continue to keep writing my thoughts, feelings and ideas down, but I may change what I post (picture wise anyways). Some of you may be upset about that, but I hope that you understand.

If there are others out there like me or that have been through this kind of situation or something similar, I would value your input.

As always, thanks for reading. Will keep you updated.