Monday, August 17, 2009

True me ?

Lately, I have been doing more things. More "fem" things. I have been pluking the hairs around my breast. Putting lotion on them and (to my surprise), they do feel like breast. Now mind you, I wouldn't say they are prefect or (if I go there) where I would like them to be. I also have used Nair under my arms. I may start to shave or wax there (but haven't come to that road yet).

I've been thinking alot about this part of me, trying to figure it all out, for my sake and my marriage sake. A few days back, I posted a question about how I know which are my true feelings. One response stated this "They're inseparable. It's just the guilt that makes you want to de-drag. We're girls. Forever. The guilt is just a slowdown." This really got me thinking. Who am I? What do I want? What do I feel?

I think my true feelings lay with how I think and feel when I'm by myself, out and about, without anyone I really know. How I interact with myself. Not saying that ALL of me, but a large part. Last Friday after work, I just stayed out a little bit. I got a Chi Tea drink and then went to a book place and got a few "female" magazines. Self, Women's Health and Ladies Home Journal. I was barely nervous, if at all. This caught me off guide a little. Maybe it was that the guilt feeling wasn't there or that someone I know wouldn't see me getting that and then ask questions. I don't fully know, but it was nice. I notice my stance seems to be more fem and gentle and same with my hand gestures. These were just some things I noticed about myself during that time.

Continuing to think who I am, I thinking more that I wouldn't call myself a "Sissy boy/girl" or "Slave boy/girl" but maybe think or myself of more a male with a lot of female traits or even a female inside a male body. My thoughts lean toward a female thinking a lot of the times. Also I recently took a test with my therapist and turns out I am more introverted. The category I fall under is ISFJ (Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging). After talking about this, it sounds like this also leans toward that side of female mind set.

Now all of this, I have to take with a grain of salt. I can't make full conclusions just on a few things. What this does is give me a starting point and maybe a little insight into somethings.

I know it sounds like I've asked the same questions over and over through out my post, but each time I feel they are a little different and I understand this and myself a little more.

As always, thanks for reading. Please feel free to comment.

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